“Mayday, mayday, urgent assistance needed! Mayday. Can anybody hear me?” Only a static grumble. Again. Not a single solitary person has heard my call. I grab for the receiver again, my finger poised to press to the ‘Execute’ button.

“This is Omega-JLPT, hearing you loud and clear. Do you copy?”

Finally! A response. I hit ‘Execute’: “Omega-JLPT, this is Caught*Red-handed, I copy you. Mayday situation, can you assist?”

Silence. Have they heard me? Then, through the static, faint, barely audible: “Caught*Red-handed, your distress call is being heard loud and clear. What is your location?”

“Omega, I’m just off March 2010, about three months south of JLPT 2009. I haven’t seen land for three months, I think I’m in the Sea of Hiatus, though I can’t be sure.”

“The Sea of Hiatus? You mean you haven’t seen any Japanese since the JLPT?”

“Affirmative. Mayday, mayday. Can you help?” Suddenly, the line goes dead…

Back in December 2009 I was sat in a poky, stuffy little room in the School for Oriental and African Studies, University of London, sat at a desk that wouldn’t have been out of place in a Harry Potter flick, biting my nails and cursing the invigilator for opening the window onto a cacophony of dustbin wagons driving past as bins were being emptied. I would have been at least half-appreciative of the gesture had we not been smack-bang in the middle of the Listening part of JLPT 2, and for anybody who has taken the JLPT before, you’ll know full well that you only get one crack at it. I wasn’t far off launching myself at the invigilator, with her almost demonic affixed smile, and shoving her through the damn window. I knew right at that point, that the stress had got to me.

It wasn’t like I wasn’t prepared for it though, far from it in fact. As I’d reported earlier in the year, a sea of yellow sticky notes had decided to use my apartment as their breeding ground, and kanji had begun to multiply in their thousands all across my living room floor, leaving nothing untouched, nothing sacred. When my family and friends visited, they were inches off having me committed.

So, when that window flung open, I was mostly dismayed at the invigilators stupidity, but almost shocked that it had put me off my concentration. I was prepared. I was ready. I was going to pass. And so, on Saturday, when I opened my mail, there it was, a beautiful, shiny certificate with my name on it! And indeed, it seemed, the window episode had not had that much affect on my passing as initially thought. This of course, was cause for celebration, and so I decided to do just that in style, though the morning after I wished I’d never bothered…

So, it would be quite easy (though this would probably end up being the shortest post ever at C*R-h) to end right there, on a high note. However, unfortunately that is only half the story. The distress call at the top of this post may only be a salubrious excerpt from my overactive imagination, but it does point to one very distressing fact: I haven’t lifted a finger towards my studies since the JLPT.

It’s weird writing those words, it’s like I’ve been outed as an alcoholic or something: “My name’s Ryan, and I have post-JLPT Traumatic Distress Disorder.” The problem is, I think I have. You see, since that crazy, adrenaline-filled day in December, I just haven’t had the gumption to get back on it. I haven’t felt like I can, I have no idea where to begin. It’s weird, as this feeling has never overcome me before. In fact, as the regular readers amongst you will know, I am never short of a word or two, but here, as I sit in deep, dankest March, I realise that I haven’t uttered a single word of Japanese since last year. Okay, so that’s not entirely true. I am always speaking Japanese. Always. I ramble to myself quite a lot, in fact so much so that people sometimes have to tell me to shut up, and it’s usually always in Japanese, but what I mean is, in the context of learning something new, I haven’t uttered a single word, nor have I opened a single text book. It’s scary. And I think I need help.

Part of the problem I can pinpoint to the fact that my tutor is currently in the midst of maternity leave and shan’t be available again until June. But that shouldn’t be cause for arrest. In fact, this would be a perfect time to recap everything that I learnt last year in preparation for her return in the summer. Yet, here I am, understanding my problem, even partly understanding the causes, yet unable to do anything about it. And I think that’s where you guys are going to have to step in.

You see (and I’m taking a massive leap of faith here), I can’t be only person who feels like this, can I? Surely there are others that are in my position? Or is it really just me that has PJLPTTDD?

So, as I sit here, yellow sticky note-less, kanji-less, and completely textbook-less, I wonder what state my fellow Japanese learners find themselves in at the moment, and hope that you can provide me with some decent tips and tricks on how to get back in the groove. In fact, I’m so adamant on this point, I’m even going to offer a prize to the person who comes up with best practices! Can’t say fairer than that, can you!

Pst: If you’d rather free up your time and listen to Caught*Red-handed rather than read it, then simply download each episode via the RedBox link, or get a free RedBox subscription via iTunes, ensuring you never miss another quality episode of Caught*Red-handed!

Podcast: Download (Duration: 9:13 — 4.3MB)